What do YOU want out of your life?
Yet, I still try, and I think? That is my favorite quality about myself. I think I am most proud of the fact that even if I don't walk in your shoes? I'll do my best to try them on and imagine what your journey has been.
I should have been a psychologist or psychiatrist maybe, what stopped me you ask? Well, the same thing that stopped me from becoming a lawyer, you can't CHOOSE your clients. I wouldn't want to defend the scum of the Earth and I'm not sure I could listen to a child describe abuse. Also I'd be lying if I said I could have withheld judgment in either scenario - at least before Autism touched my life. I mean, I'm still semi judgmental but ... 95.7% less than the rest of society in many regards. :P
Anyhow enough with the rambling, wow, it's been a while since I have written this way, without the binding constituents a corporate world brings, you know the one that killed my blogging "career"? I think that’s when I lost my real desire to write my thoughts and feelings, slowly I am coming around, slowly I am rediscovering my niche, and I am able to adequately express my thoughts without worrying what others may think, or if I’ve said “too much” – I am getting back to my bare bones writing style, the one that is wholly me, just me, what I think and feel without censors, the raw side of myself, so many wish they had the courage to display themselves.
I do put myself out to the world more than not, why? Because I want to help others understand the size of shoe I wear, and if I help even one person with my thoughts? Then my intentions have been met and that is all that matters.
Today I had a small, albeit integral conversation with my Mother In-Law. It’s actually quite comical if you knew our past.
I was actually more like a “nanny” to the family long before I dated Anthony, no one (IN THE WORLD) would have ever thought he and I would have been in a relationship- let alone lasted this long. In “Nanny” stage? The whole family loved me! I even called his parents “Mom” & “Dad” (which I have never done since I started dating him) – and even more relevant? Despite 2 ½ step mothers? Anthony’s mom is the only woman I had ever called “mom” other than my own. They loved me that much once upon a time, and I loved them too. Thing with me is, love is unconditional- most times. There is only one thing in this world that kills unconditional love? And that is toxicity.
Toxicity, by my own definition is when people wear you down so thin that you begin to question your own thoughts, feelings and who you are. They poison you like some venomous being from another world, first they eat your brain which leads to your heart, err maybe it’s the other way around- and once those things are consumed they own you. Ownership includes you mauling your own self- yes MAULING- you eat whatever is left of yourself from the inside out, slowly convincing yourself that you aren’t worth it, thinking things don’t’ matter.
There is only one way to weed toxicity out of your life. It’s actually quite simple, at least from a procedural stand point, I mean if you were bitten by a venomous snake there are two things you can do, first you would likely apply a tourniquet (cutting off blood flow to the affected area), and other option would be to use your mouth suck out the poison and spit it out. SPIT IT OUT. See there is the key. In life nothing is different. In every 100 people we meet? There is a high likelihood that at least 20% are toxic, 60% we don’t really like but can be friendly with, 16% we can tolerate further and 4% are the ones who really matter, who we keep in our life. The ones who really count. 90% of that 4% are usually family. So really, 1% of all the human beings we interact with? Will be REAL- TRUE – Awesome FRIENDS who we can count on and trust. That’s it. Cold Hard Fact (and by that I mean I totally just pulled all those assumptive numbers out of my ass) – but yeah- let’s be real- it’s likely.
Unfortunately over the years? My in-laws have been toxic to my relationship with my husband. We have kept our distance because “they” decided that I was the worst thing in the world. Funny, really, after I was once upon the time such a blessing in their family. Truth is, that they didn’t like what I had to say, they blamed me for “stealing” Anthony, and in the end it was easier to say “it’s all her fault” rather than deal with the varying situations each of them carefully created based on their own reactions and/or actions. The funniest thing? IS if you haven’t noticed? WE – my husband- myself and my family? Despite their feelings and thoughts? Have managed to lead what I consider a REALATIVELY happy and healthy lifestyle. We have been more than okay.
Fast forward to today, as the woman who tried to call me in for statutory rape- (yeah)- when her son was 17 and I was 18 (and we weren’t even having sex) - sleeps in a room I carefully organized to make her comfortable- many wonder- WHY? Perhaps even she does as well.
Let me tell you.
I had this woman in my life, she was my MOTHER and she taught me some REALLY important stuff. Most important thing though? Maybe, and I probably say “the most important” for many different situations, but she taught me that forgiveness is IMPERATIVE, never for the other person but always for myself. She was right. Carrying around anger and holding anything against anyone, even if it is worth it, will eat us from the inside out. If the situation, deems the person UNFORGIVABLE (and yes, I’ve been there too) – well then? It’s best to accept that, forgive as much as you can and find a tourniquet, eventually you will stop the poison- but it’s up to you!
Each day we are here on this Earth and we owe it to our creator to live this life to the best of our ability, if you aren’t happy? FIND OUT WHY – CHANGE IT. If you want something more? KNOW IT IS IN YOUR GRASP. If you are FRUSTRATED- find that 1% to lean on AND LEAN. Fix yourself, love yourself, live your life and love it. One day gone is another day wasted. This isn’t about Joe Schmoe’s feelings- its’ about YOU and what YOU want out of it. What YOU want to do with each breath you take, and every breath filled with worry is sucking away at the life you have the ability to lead.
And that, is what I hope my Mother In-Law learned from me in her stay. Despite all our history- despite all the craziness? It’s STILL okay to think about yourself from time to time (for all of us), sometimes? It’s exactly what we NEED to do. It’s okay to forgive, the past can be the past as long as you let the venom go. You choose what you hold on to. YOU choose what you let go of, this is YOUR Life – LIVE IT- and LOVE It and if you don’t love it? FIX IT – and know that you are worth it- even if 10 years ago you were threatening to kick my ass on your way home from the bar….
We all grow up – the paths we take are in our own control, live, love, and forgive- it’s what God wants us ALL to do! Just LOVE.